Honest

I have been writing this blog in my head all day. I feel like it is my Jerry McGuire,, you know, the statement he stayed up all night writing, only to find that the next day, after people had read it, he lost his clients, his friends and his job. I doubt that will happen to me. But wait, I HOPE that it happens to me, I hope that I lose my job. Current occupation: Stay at home mom.

That is correct. I have stayed home with my three children for 5 years. Yes, I have had little part time, odd ball, odd hour jobs here and there, but nothing that really took me out of the home. My children have never been to a daycare. In my mind, I have created Daycare to be a hellish and dangerous place. A place full of deadly germs, ran by women who shake innocent babies on grainy hidden video cameras.. I know its true. I have seen them on dateline. So I have stayed home. I have loved staying home. Now, I do not love it. I will say it again- I DO NOT LOVE IT. I am bored out of my gourd, exhausted, and somedays, unfullfilled. Now, I know that there are moms out there who are gasping. Moms who stay home and love it. Love each and every second of it. But lets be honest, no one can love each and every second. It is like every job- there is good and bad. And that is my whole thing. LETS BE HONEST. Let's really and truly be honest. Lets not judge other women, other mothers for whatever choices they have had to or have chosen to make. What works for one woman, doesnt work for another. What worked for one woman 3 years ago, may no longer be working for her now. So that is why I have sent resumes out by the hundreds. Why I have made "checking back" phone calls, sent out "just wanted to make sure you recieved my resume" emails. Because it is not working for me now.

My husband is estatic. Finally TWO incomes- who cares who watches the kids! Let's get the cheapest daycare available!- Just kidding.. I am putting words in his mouth.. but I like to tease. He is estatic though. For another reason as well... he sees me going slowly mad. He sees me unhappy, unmotivated, and burned out. Dont get me wrong. I still get physically sick to my stomach at the thought of putting my 7 month old in daycare. I worry about her safety, her emotional health, and I worry she will hate my guts for staying home with my other two children, and finally she comes along and WHAMMO- she gets put in daycare. I dont worry so much about her 3 year old sister. She is a bulldog who will probably be the kid I worry about biting my other kids, and also, she is bored. She would love to play with kids all day. So I am swallowing my "sick to my stomach-ness" and sending out the resumes.

"You have the perfect gig!" some of you are saying.. I am not sure. It is true that I absolutely love my children with all of my heart. Just like every parent does. But I have lost track of who I am in the process. When you stay home with your children, your JOB is staying home with the children. At my house, the job description includes all meal preparation, cleaning, laundry, appointments, shopping, and bill paying. I do these things. I am not happy. Staying at home for me has never meant lunch dates with friends and leisurely shopping. Who can shop? We only have the one income. And have you ever tried to have a leisurely lunch with a 7 month old and two year old? It just doesnt happen. I dont take up new hobbies or even practice my old hobbies while staying home. I care for the children and the house. My husband thinks he would golf all day. This would not be possible. The baby would get hungry and sunburned. Did you bring extra underwear??-the three year old just pooped in her Barbie underwear because the closest bathroom is on the 9th hole. When would he prepare dinner and wash, fold, and put away five people's laundry if he was on the course all day? Heck, he wouldnt even make it to the golf course because we dont have the extra money- there is only one income.

So again, it is true. I have sent out the resumes. I always said, "I didnt have kids to have someone else raise them."- harsh words for myself. Words to invoke extreme guilt in myself. So I have stayed home. Of course I like to stay home- I have no boss, I do things when I please, and I can wear pretty much anything I want to. And of course I hate staying home. I am lonely and feel isolated, my level of success for the day is perhaps a clean kitchen or folded laundry. Give me a break! Some people love this thing, and that is wonderful that they are happy. But I can no longer base my level of success on if the kitchen is clean or not. And I am TIRED of wearing whatever I want, which consists of yoga pants and long sleeve t-shirts. I have no idea what the style might be "out there"- in the world. I have some ideas from what I see my friends wearing on facebook profile pictures.. but I cant really shop anyway- for reasons already noted. Honestly, I am thankful for the time I was able to stay home. I had loads and loads of fun watching my kids grow, teaching them new things. Playing outside, playing inside, listening to good music and watching IPTV. But the truth is, I can do all of these things and work. I know that I can. And I will be happier. The time spent with my kids will be even more precious and funfilled.

My big point here, and I am afraid I havent really gotten it across,, is that maybe there are other moms out there who feel similar, or the same. Maybe some moms feel totally different. But no matter what, I think as moms, we need to be there to support each other. Whatever path we take, or new schedule or job we decide to try. There is no right answer-work at home or work out of the home. Maybe I write these things to encourage myself to step out of what I used to think was the "right " thing to do. I need to encourage myself to be happy- to create a life and enviroment that makes me happy. We only get one chance at this thing- what used to work was great, but I dont want to be afraid to make a change. I also want to be HONEST. In my dishonesty to myself, in fear of what others might think of me, I have allowed myself to become unhappy. An unhappiness I can see in myself everyday, that I talk to myself about and talk myself out of. I just want to be HONEST

post-script: After I wrote the above post, I went outside. It is a beautiful fall day. The sun is warm and Abby and I played catch with Daisy. Our new barn kitten, Banjo, ran between our feet and purred. We walked around the yard looking at leaves and Abby handed me a dandelion that had gone to seed and instructed me to blow on it. It is moments like these that I think "what the hell am I complaining about?" I cant chalk up the above post as ridiculousness or pms. All I can say is that every job comes with the bad and the absolutely wonderful. I am thankful for these moments that find me and the ones I love.